The Paradox of Pain
by Jerryst316
Summary: After breaking down under the weight of her own grief, Kate Beckett shows us what it means to be a hero. It is a month that will change her life forever. One shot with slight spoilers for Kill Shot.


**A/N: The characters aren't mine and so on. **

**I've said this before, but I feel the need to say it again. I feel like anytime I write something, I should have something important to say. And hopefully, that can inspire and move. I hope that my words can have some impact, even on one person. So, this is what I have to say, and I sincerely hope that you enjoy!**

The Paradox of Pain

Pain. Un-bidden and powerful.

Have you ever noticed how pain tends to be selfish? Pain is nothing more than a stubborn 8 year old that nips at your heels, desperate for attention, and when it finally overtakes you, it grips you so tightly that you wonder if you will ever be free of its grasp. The paradox of pain has always been something Kate Beckett understands. Whether emotional or physical, pain can rip and sear your heart, it can cripple you in an instant, it can sweep you under like a giant swell of the ocean, and yet, with this knowledge firmly entrenched, we also understand that pain also can transfix and heal. It can be the impetus for change, the harbinger of better days, the catalyst of those life-affirming moments the great tragedies and stories of heroines put forth, and it is those moments where we remember that without pain, there is no victory. Or at least victories worthy of celebration. To those who choose the road less traveled, pain is simply a moment in time, a small hindrance as they fight for the promise of a life fully realized.

We need it. We fear it.

The paradox of pain.

Have you ever noticed that love is quite similar in some respects? We need it. We fear it. The paradox of love. Some will tell you that love is simply a chemical reaction and other's will gleefully claim that love is nothing more than insanity wrapped in a beautiful façade, but it must be the case that love is more powerful than we can possibly imagine. Love can cripple even the strongest, it can provide the most painful moments of our lives, it can be the impetus of war (just ask Paris and Hector), and it certainly can destroy. So can irrationality and insanity. But those things cannot lift or inspire, and in that knowledge, we can begin to understand that just like most things that affect us, love is the proverbial double-edged sword. Love is a paradox. Somewhere along this painful and arduous road, Kate Beckett had made the equivalency. Love equals pain. That equivalency is why heroes are born from the path they choose, for if you know that pain is love, then risking the pain is only for the boldest and bravest.

A hero isn't someone who dies for their cause, it's not a martyr who dies in the name of something greater, it's not someone who fights against the ever rising tide of evil, and though those are noble pursuits, true heroism is life and choosing the road less traveled. Not because it is easy, not because it's cliché, but because that road is one less worn by the giants who came before. It is a road paved with the souls of those who chose life over mediocrity, heart over mind, and love over pain. Life and love, those are difficult—pain and death, those are easy. We all do that. We all feel pain, we all will die, but it is the rare few, the heroes amongst us, who seek their own happiness by seeking out love and risking the pain that inevitably follows. They blaze a trail of hope that beckons to us all, a trail that shines brightly amongst the darkness, and as we search out our own noble path, we are guided by the fallen heroes of our past.

Kate Beckett is such a hero. Not that she ever wanted to be…

And somehow that means even more. For when we are faced with the demons of our past, we are reminded of a precious free will that both threatens and lifts, that provides freedom amidst the shackles, and forces us to choose the life we want for ourselves. Though inconceivable at times, free will is the answer to the question of evil, a wonderful gift that allows the worst of humanity to break free and reign down upon our own heads. A hell and heaven of our own making, a paradox once more…

It is the rare tale that requires us to look at the world through the ideals of pain and love and heroism and free will, but when we are presented with such a story, ideally we can glean a small measure of hope, a glimmer, a flicker of the flame that threatens both to engulf and ignite. We do so through the majesty of contradiction, the wonder of the paradox. It is the paradox that enlightens us, that shows us both the wonder and majesty of the world and the evil that constantly fights back, and though it is sometimes dark and confusing, those who did not choose the obstacle nor want the moment thrust upon them allow the paradox to embrace them and allow the hero within to illuminate the path forged ahead. They risk the darkness for some small measure of light. A light that illuminates the world and provides us the strength and power to fight back the darkness once more.

In a world of optimism and hope, only the cynic will perish.

And though you might not see it now as she collapses under the pain and agony of past trauma, this is not a harbinger of doom, a weakness that will destroy, but a mere step on her path towards redemption. Towards love, with all its majestic heights and dizzying valleys. For Kate Beckett, this is only a fragile whisper of past heartbreak. A breath of life endured. For this is not the end. This is not **her** end. This is the beginning of something wonderful; of the road that makes all the difference in a life we are gifted. A hero's journey born of her own free will and strength of character. For Katherine Beckett, NYPD homicide detective, the moment that she collapsed under the weight of her own pain and free will and heroism and love was also the moment that would change everything.

Her mother once told her that she was strong. She once told her that her lowest moment would lead to her greatest because of the depth of her heart and the strength of her character. But more than anything else, her mother once told her that when the world collapsed around you, when everything in this life seemed too painful and too heavy to ever overcome, when she no longer seemed to be able to stand, the strong simply take a breath and look inward. The strong plant their feet, lift with everything they have, with all their heart, and they try harder. So that's what she does. After falling prey to the ghosts of her past, after collapsing under the weight of her past, she faced what all of those who come to this moment inevitably endure. A choice. Do we rise or do we fall? Wracked with the pain of a surgery far too recent and a mind overwhelmed with memories of past torture, Kate Beckett stood tall and rose once more.

And then she took a step. With everything she had, she took another. With everything she had left, she took one more. As the path lay out before her, Kate Beckett resolved to breathe, to look inward, and find the strength to rise. She tried harder than she ever had…

She did it for her mother. She did it for her family at the 12th. She did it for Castle. And she did it…

For her.

_1 month later…_

She stood in the elevator with a sense of awe and wonder. Unconsciously, her hand came to touch the place where the bullet those many months ago had torn her life apart and the place where just yesterday a Kevlar vest had saved her the same fate. She chuckled lightly as the irony of the situation took hold. The wall she physically placed around her heart had brought her absolution, while the wall she placed there well before that day had only served to send her further into the abyss.

The last month had been interesting, to say the least. Secrets had been revealed, forgiveness had been offered, a plan had been put in place, and just yesterday, they had taken down one of the most powerful men in Washington. Today she had been in meetings, press conferences, and debriefings that simply paled in comparison to the major events of the past month.

Her brothers were proud of her and were there when she needed them, her father was in shock but also grateful for the justice she had promised all those years ago, and her sister…well her sister couldn't stop crying and hugging her. And though she wanted Castle with her throughout this ordeal, standing behind her as he always had, she didn't want him to have to face the inquiry and the questions. She needed to do this part on her own because this story was hers and no one else's. She needed to stand on her own, at least for yesterday, as she had when she finally fell, and she hoped that he understood.

However, this entire ordeal had taught her something very important, Castle should never stand behind her again. He should stand beside her, equals in every way, and not just because he had earned it but because that's where each of them belonged. When they walked into the precinct yesterday, met with the thunderous applause of her fellow officers, she had made that clear to him—

"_When we get to the precinct, I think I should wait here…"_

"_What?"_

"_When we get there and you take him in, I should wait here. This is your moment Kate and I…"_

_The whiplash from the sudden jerk of the car as she pulled to the side of the road nearly caused the coffee in his hand to spill and he was jerked backed to reality as quickly as he had tried to escape. She looked at him with a mixture of joy and annoyance and sighed. Very quietly, she reached over to him and touched his lapel…_

"_Castle, when we walk into that precinct, and we will walk in together, you will not be in this car and you will not be behind me. You will walk beside me, where you both deserve and should be." _

_What do you say to that really? Her acceptance of him and her acknowledgement of his importance made his chest rise. For the first time in his life, he felt important in this world. That is the gift she gave to him. She made him believe. He just hoped that one day he might return the favor. _

"_Besides, I am not entirely comfortable with this, but I understand the need. They killed Roy, HE killed Roy, and the 12th needs this. We can stand alone, Castle, but it is infinitely better when we don't have too."_

"_I will always be by your side, Kate." _

_She smiled. She believed him. She believed in him. And that made all the difference. _

When she finally reached the loft, Martha met her at the door and smiled, wordlessly pointing her towards his office, and though she thought she would need time or maybe even a little build up to greatest decision she had ever made, she found that this would be better. Hell, she had even debated what to where, as if Castle wouldn't find her in a paper sack to be sexy and beautiful, but when she settled on that dark blue turtleneck and black nylon pants, she felt a strong sense of completion.

When she reached his office, he sat at his desk, enthralled in the prose he produced, and she marveled at the stubble across his jaw and his bright blue eyes. With tumbler in hand, he downed a fingers worth of the scotch and continued to type away at the keys that brought his magical words to life. She didn't have time for that though, they had wasted three and half years, she had wasted three and half years and there was no time anymore for caution or fear. She leaned against the door frame with her arms crossed over her chest and hope springing from her eyes.

"Castle…"

"Beckett?" he replied as he looked towards her, shocked to see the woman who had just done the impossible.

"Yeah, just me."

"It could never be 'just you'".

She smiled, "so, it's done. The meetings, the press, the paperwork…all of it. It's done."

"And?"

"And…they offered me a position. The FBI. They need a liaison between the NYPD and their field office in Washington D.C. so that they can continue the work we started and find just how deep this rabbit whole goes. Under FBI jurisdiction, we would continue the investigation, and we just learned that we have presidential authority to go anywhere we would need. And though they had no connection to my mother's death, those who had a hand in making that monster, whether they be senator or bus boy, will go down. They are running scared Castle. All of them, senators and congressmen alike. We have really started something."

"What does that mean for you?"

"It would mean that I would need to move to D.C. to help run the task force from there. The investigation could last for months, maybe even years, but the ultimate goal is to root out the corruption and evil that that man unleashed. I would help to run the task force and coordinate the joint efforts of the NYPD, FBI, Homeland Security, and the Secret Service."

He sighed…"that's a wonderful opportunity. When do you leave?"

"Well, that's the thing. I was faced with a choice. A choice to leave New York and take the battle to them or to stay in this city that I love and help to guide the investigation from afar."

He knew the choice she would make. After all this was her mother's case…

"It was the easiest decision I have ever made."

He looked at her through pained eyes, eyes that told the story of a life not fully realized because the world was unjust and needed those brave few who saw corruption and decay and evil and who willingly chose to help fight back the tide. Those brave few who sacrificed the promise of life so that the promise of other's could be fulfilled, so that a world free of the pollution of evil could inch one step closer to reality.

He was unbelievably proud of her. He loved her unequivocally and unconditionally. She was the greatest, most passionate, and most beautiful woman he had ever met. And he would have to let her go...

Being good sucked sometimes.

"I told them no."

He stuttered and his brain seemed to freeze. She told them no? "What does that…?"

He was cut off by an approaching Kate who gently placed her fingers on his lips. She hadn't expected to cry but the emotion and the sheer joy of the moment were too much, just like that horrid day one month prior. She wouldn't collapse though, as she had that day. Today, her tears were born of the best life had to offer instead of the worst, and though she knew the inherent risk, she had made her choice. She chose to live.

"I choose you, Rick," she quietly whispered as she stared into his eyes.

If he was stunned before, he was now apoplectic and all he could muster was, "really?"

"With all my heart, with every ounce of strength I have, with everything I've got, I choose you. I love you, Richard Castle. So I choose you!"

He couldn't breathe and she couldn't hide the tears that soaked her face.

Life is never easy, and if it were, then it would be boring. The world needs heroes, but what it needs more are those who show us how to live once the evil of the world has been defeated and washed away.

In a world where even the strongest sometimes fall, a world that can bring even the best to their knees, it is the greatest gift of humanity that will always lift those who allow its power to take hold. We are born under the stars, under the light from Apollo and Helios, and we are gifted an ability to live in a world that hardly, at times, seems worthy. But as she stood in front of the man she loved, as she stood on the precipice of something great, the world seemed a little more worthy of the 14 years of grief and failure she had endured. For him, it was so incredibly worth it. She wasn't his life nor was he hers, but they made this journey we call life much better for each other.

As they melted into each other, as they kissed for the first of many times, and as they chose to embrace the love they provided each other, joy and happiness won out over the risk.

As it should and always will be.

Let the paradox, the beacon they provide, light our way!

**Well, there you go! Just another one shot. I hope you all enjoy. R/R, I would love to read what you guys think!**


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